Anxiety attacks

21 June 2007

Anxiety in me wishes to show itself.I'm slowly becoming aware of the effects my disorder is having on my body. The fatigue, disorientation, depression and incapability to focus. Maybe also the headaches though I think that has more to do with my eyes.How much longer will it take? Will it happen? I must focus on prevention, but I have always been a self destructive soul. I must stop that, but knowing i need to stop is a lot easier then actually stopping. That much is clear to me. I now understand addiction, the weakness it puts upon you. The way your body reacts to something it is use too and has now become dependent on. Why do we react the way we do? Why can't I break this cycle?
It takes effort that much is certain, but what effort can/should I put into it. It seems no matter how high I can lift my soul eventually I come crahing down again harder then ever. But am I not in control? Should my soul not yield to my demands?Is my soul not yielding to my demands? I am self destructive by nature, it could be my self conscious is stronger stronger and my soul is following his lead.How far will I fall this time? How hard will I fall?Even with the help of a loving and well intentioned person in my life I am now falling hard. The pain I feel during this slow fall has surpassed all the pain I could feel if had actually fallen from a sky scraper. But it is not all downhill I tumble, I have moments of happiness. Small moments that seem great at the time and sometimes sustain me for a few hours or to pull me up just a bit when I feel I am falling yet again.
These moments currently consist of little scenes of my favorite movies that just jump into my mind. Suddenly I am laughing eventhough a second ago I was on the verge of crying. Strange this feeling but I embrace it, remember it and use it to keep the anxiety at bay.
But even smaller occurences can send me into that dark pit of fear, doubt, pain and more. My body shakes and I want to harm myself. I feel trapped and the world just seems to close in on me. I can actually feel myself falling and this fear takes hold of me: Will I be able to stand up? and rise again from this fall?Where will I fall too?
This fear almost numbs me, and I know I need to just sit and try. Just try to relax.
I come out of these moments sometimes ok, other times I end up staying in a dark small corner for a while. But I come out of these moments and that is all that matters right now. But when the time comes and I just keep falling and reach that floor,...I don't know, a part of me hopes it will never get that far, but still that self destructive part of me wants it, craves it. And pushes me there constantly.

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