Leaving my depression

18 March 2008

I have been struggling with depression ever since childhood. Though I have never sought any treatment for it. The suddens dips I feel, or the continuous rush of negative thoughts and feelings that seem to come out of nowhere have become part of me. I just accept it as inevitable.
I've always been this way, so I never sought to remedy or acknowledge my depression, but people noticed.
I never sought to remedy it until now.
A few years back, I finally had enough. I wanted to be happy and if that proved too ambitious I wanted to be content and accepting. So I set out to find happiness. I sought it in books, articles and blogs and I found some happiness by escaping this world. I would latch on to something and hold on to it as long as possible. I grew addicted pretty easily to drifting off into a fantasy world that was governed by me. Where I could just rewind and change my mind at will. The most important thing about this fantasy world is that I was never a central character in it. Most of the time I was never in it. I switch from character to character, but it was never me. I saw the world as the creator, omnipresent en omnipotent.

The things that triggered my addictions were usually tv-shows, movies, books or just certain life experiences.
I would replay certain moments or scenes in my head until l I was satisfied with the direction it took. I would change the dialog, add to it or trim off a bit. I would try and find the essence of the characters, what made them tick? Why would they make such decisions? I would try to dissect these characters until I knew their every motivation, fear, ambition and what they needed to function or move forward.
Leaving my world and entering theirs brought me joy. It made me smile at times. But I realized I could not derive true happiness this way.
I need something more substantial.
But what?

1 spoke to me:

Entrepreneur said...

How are you these days?

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